millren在香港: 愛戀無痕

贞洁性教育，不是从小就有了么？

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 15:57:48 GMT

从piner哪里知道，最近国内某高校要进行为期2天的“贞洁教育”，倡导反对婚前性行为。piner认为“婚前”这个命题为伪命题，我倒不这么看，我觉得不论主办方是否“假设所有人都是肯定会结婚的异性恋者”，只要世界上还有人在结婚，婚前，这个事情还是基本上存在的。

其他观点上，我和她的意见基本一致。这里补充一些我的看法。

“危险性行为”指的是不安全性行为的负面影响，“婚前性行为”指的是在某个特指的阶段内进行的性行为，两者有重叠之处。也就是说，“危险”的性行为，可以发生在婚前，也可以发生在婚内，可以发生在婚外，也可以发生在婚后（适用人群：那些想结婚，也可以结到婚的人群）；婚前性行为，既可以包括危险的性行为，也可以包括安全的性行为。性行为的安全指数与婚否无关，结婚证书可不能当避孕套和口交膜用。

意外怀孕，这个跟避孕意识和避孕知识有关，跟什么阶段发生性行为无关。婚内意外怀孕的多了去了。当然了，婚前检查，也算是一种官方的婚前性教育，但是婚前检查提供的避孕性知识又在多大程度上具有可操作性呢？不得而知。Anyway，我看，避免意外怀孕，关键不是宣传减少婚前性行为，而是将这种婚前性教育提前到少女第一次例假来临之前。后者才是真正的人性关怀。

更何况，贞洁教育，这个是集体无意识，从小就开始了。自从咱们这个国土上的男娃女娃一落地，哪时哪刻不是接受的贞洁教育？别说家庭中“不谈不说”的那种免谈式贞洁教育，小朋友之间一样存在互相嘲笑式的贞洁教育。小时候，那个小朋友跟异性走得近了点，其他的小朋友就开始传八卦，给老师打小报告，就开始用鬼魅般的眼光瞥他们，什么三八线，打倒某某某之类的刻印，都是小朋友之间的贞洁教育的累累硕果啊。经典个案：方枪枪，in《看上去很美》。

10几20年的自助式的贞洁教育都没有能够抵挡得住危险性行为、“婚”前性行为、意外怀玉、少女堕胎、艾滋的节节攀升。这些不安全性行为带来的不良后果，已经切切实实的证明了从小朋友阶段就开始的贞洁教育的惨败。

我不明白，为什么还有知名大学要大张旗鼓的来推崇彻底无效的贞洁教育，且自信满满的认为他们举办的为期2天的“新式”贞洁教育，就能替历经几百年的贞洁教育挽回颜面，转败为胜？

这是作秀吧。还是用的纳税人的钱咧。

国内从没有官方主持的性教育，到安全套教育，再到“新式”贞洁教育，什么时候才能有真正的性爱教育。

性不仅仅需要安全、责任，在我看来，更应该知道，如何去爱，如何去共同享受，如何去尊重，如何去避免伤害。关键在于如何协调处理双方或者多方的亲密关系（参考资料见《before a kiss is given》那篇博文）。

安全性行为，不仅仅是指身体上的安全，也应该包括心理上的安全，后者更为重要。

惨败的贞洁性教育不是没有，是太久太多。不是需要再搭台唱戏版的大搞特搞，而是要将安全性教育的时间提前，且深入扩大安全范围，不仅是身体上的安全，更是心理上的安全。

这一天，还不知道需要期待多久。

在没有官方主持的双层安全性教育的时候，我们还是从自身做起吧，将来有小孩了，或者现在就有小孩的兄弟姐妹们，在娃娃们没有遭遇身体上的性危险之前，先不要人为的加诸他们心理上的性焦虑吧。

保护孩子，从我做起。

恩纳。

Before a kiss is given

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 17:46:47 GMT

一个法国新晋导演的处女作。讲的是一个关于婚外恋的故事。其实也不止是一个，应该是2.5个。3男4女的故事。

一个女设计师A在小镇出差，打不到车，问路的当口，一个路人B对她一见钟情，又是充当司机，又是晚宴招待。分手的时候，B向A索吻，被拒。B欲据还留，为了解释自己的这种不得已从何而来，B开始讲述C和D和E和F的故事。

C是一个有夫之妇，D是她小学同学，在一个小学教数学，也是她无话不谈的男闺蜜。E是C的丈夫，在药房做医生，白天很忙，生活情趣单调。于是C和D就有了很多单独相处的机会。后来D跟女友分手了，C发现D有些和以前不一样了，总是hold着什么东西一样。

有一天正上着课，发呆老半天的D突然丢下一班的学生，跑去找C，跟C说，我似乎得了一种病，

什么病，C说，

缺乏吸引力，D断言，

哪一种吸引力？

我想是生理上的。

那怎么办，是不是有一类护士可以治疗的？

哪有这种护士啊？

那，C开始结巴，我想，你可以去找小姐，

D说，额，其实我已经找过一次了。。。。。

然后D开始讲述他找小姐的趣事。他是在internet上找的，因为他自己没有pc，所以在放学后在staff room用电脑上网，间或还有学生拿他掉的铅笔给他，可想而知是多么的紧张刺激。然后，在网上找到一个小姐，而且还没看到脸，只看到身材，因为网上的相片都是不露脸的（看来国外也是这样哈）。但是他选择她，还不是因为身材，只是因为他觉得这个小姐起的假名好听。当然了，他自己也是用的一个假名（对，这就跟人们有好几个不同的QQ，做不同的交流目的用，一样）。到了地方了，结果人家小姐的保护意识特强，告诉的地址是自己家对街，这样就可以观察来者是否满意。进了房，小姐第一句话就是问，only sex 对么？然后给了他一套新的毛巾让他去先洗个澡，D说，我是洗了来的，结果小姐说，这是规矩，每个客人都一样，为了卫生考虑。结果他洗的时候还探个头出来问，我需要洗头么。。。。

ok，洗完了，光着小pp上了楼（这个D就是导演自己，看来牺牲还是挺大的，谁知道了，也许人家enjoy naked ass），结果人家小姐正给人电话辅导化学还是什么的，见他蹑手蹑脚的就来了，于是赶紧开工。

结果D一上来就要kiss，结果小姐说，你这是干嘛？他木纳了，不是ml之前都要kiss的么？小姐说，刚才不是说好了only sex么？于是，他就蔫了。

结果给他巨大的心理阴影，一直觉得自己缺乏生理上的魅力。

好吧，那怎么办呢？D说，恩，我看得找个信得过的人帮我治疗一下。C说，是啊，哪找谁好呢？

D说，就你吧。我？C有点局促不安，为什么不找其他的朋友，例如说5啊6啊谁的？D说，你是我最好最亲密最信得过的朋友，好吧，C被说服了。那么你觉得我们什么时候开始好呢？D说，就看你咯。C说，我想，还是越快越好吧。。。。两人直挺挺的站在卧房门口，不知该怎么办，C说，我要除衫么？D说，不不，我们还是不要那么push比较好，慢慢来(其实我看，D已经是急不可耐了。但是绅士的形象还是要顾及一下的。看来，老外也是讲面子滴！）。C说，我要去床上躺下么？D说，好吧，只要你愿意；C说，只要你觉得好，我就去做，D说，那么好吧，你去躺着吧。。。最搞笑的部分，是D机械的把手搁在C的右胸上，然后说，感觉还不错，我可以摸你的左胸么？

这种在以性为美的法国人身上难得一见的相敬如宾，使得剧情变得非常让人捧腹。观众很难想象，这是一对偷情男女在如此局促的协商着如何ml，而且看起来，他们对于sex又是那样的无所适从，谨小慎微，感觉上就是一对处男处女的第一夜。一种错位的幽默吧。但是正是这种平时了如指掌的熟男熟女之间的这种探问，才让人感到温暖，也许观众会笑两人的那种笨拙和紧张，但是这些都是来自于双方都在为对方着想，都不想伤害对方。

让我对这个导演刮目相看的，在于D对C隔衫抚摸的那个长镜头。D的手上毛很多，很不符合我这个东方女性的美学视角。但是当我看到那个毛茸茸的指头圆粗的大手从白衫到黑裙的那短短的距离之间的温柔的缠绵的探进，我被迷住了，暗示感叹这个丑小鸭骨子里头是个沟女高手啊。

在这个镜头的时候，整个戏院，我可以感觉得到，特别的沉静。全场的观众，尤其是女观众几乎都是屏息的，至少我左右的两位是这样，我听不到她们的一丁点动静。那种温柔而又执着的想要的感觉，让女人可以切切实实的感觉到那份被爱着的幸福。也许这种爱的需要，对东西方的女性来说，都是一样的吧。

再后来D提议先吻一下，如果C觉得不好，他们就打住。结果一吻的感觉不错，D怯生生的问，我现在可以用我的tongue么。。。接下来就顺理成章了。

再再后来，两人觉得这种关系不正常，虽然D的魅力焦虑症是治好了，还有了自己的女朋友。他们决定要改变这种糟糕的状态。怎么办好呢？ok，再做一次，这一次要做的很糟糕很糟糕，这样他们就能厌恶对方。但是。。。。不幸的是，this time is better than the last。

哎呀，我发现我太碎碎念了，还是此处省略三千五百字吧。

最让我回味的是以下几段，当两人偷情日甚的时候，C和D还不能确认他们之间的关系到底是friendship还是love，他们那种亲密的friendship保持了多年，但是为什么就一直相安无事呢？结论是，那个时候，他们还没有在心理上意识到他们已经相爱了。是啊，friendship和love的界限到底有多大，多少人又是以friendship的关系进行着love的互动，且不自知。记得郑渊洁写过一段，说小男孩总喜欢拉小女孩头发，抢小女孩东西，实际上，那个小女孩就是他最喜欢的。呵呵。也许吧，小时候可能我最不给好脸色，吵得最凶的人，也是我最喜欢的吧。嗯，好像也不是。anyway，反正就是那个意思啦。

C不能接受这种对love的模糊，于是两人吵了起来。几个星期没见之后，D迫不及待的承认自己对C那份爱，但是为了C和E的幸福，D要求C能够狠狠的拒绝他，这样D就可以死心了，比如说，他现在要强吻C，然后C就把他狠狠的推开，结果C一动不动。D怒了，扯去C身上的披肩，C一丝不挂的，还是没有拒绝和反抗。。。555，两人一下子都明白了，于是又是一番电光火石。

这时候E还都蒙在鼓里。后来C和D考虑如何跟E以及D的女友F说，虽然C现在爱着的是D，但是C对E还是有一份感情在那里，那种舍不得让对方受到伤害的感情，所以一直不敢直接坦白。D跟女友F则是有什么说什么。F是个高挑的空姐，也是一个美人儿，但是人家D的魅力危机是C给治好的呀，没辙。可是人家F mm也是个顶尖的人物啊，一不哭、而不闹的，回头还来开导安慰D，说如果有一天你在车上被骑自行车的给撞到了，你会骂那个人么？不会啊，为什么，因为你不会怪一个没有经验的人，对吧。D一下子又发现了E身上的睿智的美，又要索吻。人F mm立马说，too late。哦，我可怜的D导演。

是啊，你没有办法怪罪一个没有经验的人。在我们没有老去之前，我们得遇到那么多我们不熟悉的人和不同风格的关系，谁又是对爱、爱情、欲望有足够的经验呢？

最后C、D和F协商，让F捧着大部头的舒伯特自传去勾搭E，只要E和F成了一对了，C和D在一起就无可厚非，也没有罪恶感了。但是在计划实施前一晚，C还是那样的放心不下，依依不舍。毕竟这个男人曾经是完全属于自己的。

结果E第二天还没出门就听到了C和D的电话，计划泡汤，E跑去把F臭骂了一顿。但是F也不是省油的灯，临走还交代E一句，你妻子这样是为了怕你受到伤害。如果你真的爱你妻子，就应该让她去爱她所爱的（怎么老外也会说这一句？）。再后来，F的手机被人抢了，没有办法通知C和D，她只把D的电话记在了手机里（可见上次转的那篇《断网焦虑症》的文章，有了现实data），打当地的114也查不到，因为D的电话没有登记。然后F又有任务就飞了，一连几天没见人。E揭发阴谋之后，3天没有回家，回家第一件事就是收拾行李走人。但是他也没有当着妻子的面揭发妻子的出轨，只是说，恩，我遇到你算塔罗牌说的那个女人，我们干柴烈火了，我现在要离开你，因为她。C没有愤怒，只是有点不知所措，她没有料到，他们的这么笨拙的计划竟然成功了。这让E更加的绝望。

当然了，在C和D被lost in dark几天之后，F回来了，交代了一切，C和D终于可以在一起了，但是他们还是对E有那么一些愧疚。C一直跟D说，如果E不快乐，我又怎么能够快乐呢？对于我这个观众来说，也许这不是爱情，但是我知道，这是爱。

好吧，还有A和B没有说呢。原来A现在的甜蜜老公就是我们可怜的F同学，B和女友G的同居关系也是在博物馆避之不及的一吻之后开始的。

A和B都知道，Before a kiss is given, who knows it is big or small.(我一下子想到另外一句：你们猜？）

如果big，那就是fuck+love+hurt others，如果small，那也顶多是fuck without love。

But，but，为难的就在于，谁知道kiss的大小呢？谁能做到爱我所爱，又不伤及旁人呢？

因此，shall we kiss？才之所以成为一个命题。

（尾声：我知道我太碎碎念了，但是我还是要提一哈子，这片的配乐全是用的古典音乐，尤其是反复用到《天鹅湖》的《四小天鹅》选段，非常的独到，呵呵，尤其D出场的时候，小天鹅的舞步让我们看到的是一个有点大智若愚的D导演，日本女游客问路之后的反复哈腰致谢，也让我们看到了类似于小笨鹅的傻气。C在犹豫该不该直接跟E提分手的时候，配的是舒伯特的一首什么曲子，当E从屋里以同样的方式第二次出场的时候，你才知道原来刚才C对E的那段分手表白，原来只是她自己心中默念的排演，而且永远没有演出的机会。）

B给了A一个如此美好的讲故事的夜晚，A觉得自己owe B这个吻。但是为了防止kiss带来的负面影响，他们协商好（看，又是协商），在道别之后，仅此一吻，不管big or small，不讲一语，也不看对方一眼，互不知道姓名，然后B就此离去。

Kiss is only a kiss.也许只有这样，kiss才能吻得下去。

[background music:~Oh a kiss is still a kiss in Casablanca.A kiss in not a kiss without your sigh~]

当B带着惆怅慢慢消失在黑色的沉寂之后，四小天鹅笨拙的舞步又出现了。沉浸在伤感的味道里的观众们，如得了解咒的寒潭白鱼一般，大家都笑了。

这D导演太恶搞了。。。确定一定以及肯定！

失恋女的问号螺旋

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 16:10:06 GMT

bbs上在討論“新娘不是我”的話題，有人說道失戀女生最喜歡問的問題是“他到底有沒有中意過我”。

我卻認為，女生更喜欢问：他为什么会这样对我？

有沒有中意过我，是在这个问题之后的第二个问题。

当第一个问题死活砸不出个屁来的时候，第二个问题就反复出现，不是问对方，而是问自己。在找答案的时候，女方就不断的重播往昔的片段，从细微末节处找能够获得正面答案的证据。

但是负面答案的证据又无法逃避，所以就进入了一种 yes—no—yes的问号螺旋之中，不可自拔。

需要很长时间都能明白，这些根本就不是问题。

爱到不爱了，是绝对可以没有任何理由的。也许有答案，但是如果男人不给，女人是找不到的。因为女人需要的，是男方confirm了的答案，但是男方很少会给你一个他真正内心的答案，或者是掩盖自己的自私和卑鄙或者是他们想当然的要为保护女方的出发点，总之，人品好一点的，也许他会告诉你一个说法，但是不会给女方要的答案。

因為大部分的男人，絕對不會輕易的讓女人逮到機會來證明自己是錯的，I am not wrong as I am a man.一旦被證明男人自己犯了錯，男性身份認同的根基就受到的極大的沖擊，帶給男人的是極大的焦慮，甚至恐懼。所以可以想見，當女人一路追著喊著哭著問男人“為什么”的時候，大部分的男人如黃鼠狼一般，撒下一陣煙霧彈——“好人卡”或者“知己卡”，然后在煙霧的掩護下全身而退，或者逃跑。

當然了，我也要強調，撒煙霧彈的做法并不僅僅存在于部分男性中間，女性也有這樣做的，所以男同胞們也要把照子放亮一點。

有这些沉溺于“問號螺旋”中精力和时间，多睡点觉也好。

当然了，感情是有延迟性的，但是至少得知道，这种情绪上的缓冲是有时限的。不同的人，緩沖時間長短不一。失戀的女人們啦（當然也包括有這種問號螺旋的男人們），控制好自己的緩沖時間，把有限的生命投入到無限的桃花漩渦中吧。

Jennifer：How to Tell if a Guy is a Jerk - Tip 49 - Developmentally Stuck

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 23:21:41 GMT

【millren注：這篇寫得狠了點，說男人是混球，是因為，男人心智發展受阻滯，簡單來說就是指那些，長不大的男性。大家姑且聽聽看，不要太放在心上就好。而且作者也肯定，這種情況同樣會出現在女性身上。恩，的確！】

Monday, October 29, 2007

How to Tell if a Guy is a Jerk - Tip 49 - Developmentally Stuck

Have you ever met a thirty year old guy who seems like he is still twelve?
Or a fifty year old man who is trying to be thirty?

Sometimes guys*, as they move through life get stuck. They may continue to age but developmentally they remain caught in a particular developmental stage of life.

Now, to be very clear... I am not talking about people who retain a youthful attitude, remain healthy and alive, who live a vibrant life, or who look and appear younger than they are.

I'm talking about a psychological phenomenon consistent with developmental theory where men* get stuck in a phase of life and do not move forward, mature, and/or live an emotionally healthy life.

Let me expound for a minute.

Psychosocial development is a theory articulated by psychologist Erik Erikson dividing a human life span into eight distinct stages.
Very simply, during each stage of life, a person has specific problem or challenge to confront. Erikson calls each challenge a, "psychosocial crisis". The person will either complete and master the challenge, or remain stuck in the stage which results in an unhealthy approach to life in the future.

In addition, each psychosocial stage has a focus or a main question that must be addressed. When answered appropriately, the person moves into the next phase of life. If the question is ignored, not answered, or answered inappropriately, again the person may become stuck resulting in limited ability to move forward through life.

Erikson's eight stages are as follows:
1. Infancy Birth 1 1/2
2. Early Childhood 1 1/2-3
3. Play Age 3-6
4. School Age 7-12
5. Adolescence 13-20
6. Young Adulthood 20-45
7. Adulthood 45-65
8. Old age 65-death

Since we are concerned with finding a good man, let me address the final four stages more specifically.
During Adolescence the crisis is, role confusion versus identity. In other words, a boy is trying to figure out who he is. You may notice grown men still acting like teenagers? This is a result of staying stuck in this stage of life. Not really being able to find or identify himself, he may indulge in all sorts of attention getting behaviors or even unhealthy behavior as he tries to figure out who he is.

During Young adulthood, a man is learning how to make a commitment to another as a spouse, partner, or parent. During this time he faces a crisis of, intimacy versus isolation. For those who manage this crisis they are able to have a healthy relationship, commit to one person, and have an emotionally intimate partnership. For those stuck in this stage, they seem unable to make a commitment, they may hold onto their childhood life, they may not feel ready to be in a relationship or marriage.

Adulthood moves one into a phase of life where they find value and joy in being productive. The crisis is one of "generativity or stagnation", meaning that if a man doesn't find value in his life through family, career, and community he will be left with an empty feeling of stagnation, which may lead to depression.

Finally, Old Age (many psychologists have moved this stage to a much later time in life), is the time when adults review their lives and either feel a sense of accomplishment and enjoy a life lived with integrity, or if they are unable to manage this, they feel despair for a live not lived well.

The stages of life may not be like an arrow, direct and clear but may be more circular in nature, meaning we adapt and adjust as we grow and mature. However, generally, it is felt by most therapists that the idea of moving through life appropriately and healthfully means we expand, move forward, adapt to each new stage of life with dignity and grace.

Grown men who remain stuck in Adolescence are not ready to make a commitment or have a healthy relationship. Similarly a fifty year old man who still doesn't know how to create a productive life may be unable to be an emotionally mature partner to a fifty year old woman.

While we all learn and grow at different rates, noticing the big red flags that wave as we see men getting stuck in a psychosocial developmental stage may help a woman realistically come to terms with what is possible in a relationship with a particular man.

A man who has gone through the developmental stages appropriately brings a maturity and emotional health not seen in those who are unable to master the particular challenges of life stages.

*Yes, psychosocial developmental stages apply to women too!

Also note, the ages presented are recent adaptations to Erikson's original theory given humans live longer today.

Posted by Jennifer at 5:59 AM

Labels: commitment, Counseling, Developmental theory, how to tell if a guy is a jerk, older men younger women, Research, why men are jerks

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Jennifer：How to Tell if a Guy is a Jerk - Tip 50 - A Know it All

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 23:13:48 GMT

How to Tell if a Guy is a Jerk - Tip 50 - A Know it All

Have you ever been with a guy who thinks he is always right... a "know it all?"
Guys that are the supreme authority on every topic including you?
Guys who are the experts on everything and anything?

Not only are they not fun to be around but they are not great men with whom to partner!

There is nothing more irritating than a guy who won't listen to another side of a story, who can't grasp that there are those who see the world differently, and who think they their opinion is gospel truth.

But, more than this, this trait is indicative of some more serious issues going on.

Guys who exist in a fantasy world where they know everything are really covering up a very low self esteem. They hide their insecurity by proclaiming their expertise but in reality, they can't handle the idea that they are not right, or that someone else may know more than do they.

These guys live in a black and white world where they are right and those who disagree are wrong. They will not listen to a differing opinion because it is prima facie wrong! They will not open their minds to looking at life in new ways, nor will they even consider the possibility that they could improve in some ways.

These guys will never offer a sincere apology, will never admit they are wrong, and will never allow others to see a vulnerable unsure side of themselves.

Some of these "know it all" guys may become religious fanatics, political zealots, or just overbearing men who make life miserable for those he encounters.

If you want a healthy relationship, realize that great men are open to learning, and they are comfortable with not knowing every answer to every question. They have opinions, even strong ones but they can listen to others and find a sense of understanding if not agreement. They can agree to disagree. Great men know the world is filled with all sorts of people with a variety of beliefs, ideas, perspectives and opinions.

If you are looking for a great man, find a man who can listen to others, can understand a variety of world views, and respects YOUR opinion even if you disagree!

Posted by Jennifer at 6:31 AM

Labels: arrogance, Communication, healthy relationships, how to tell if a guy is a jerk, Jerks, power and control, respect, self esteem

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Jennifer：Why Men are Jerks - Part II - Sexual Strategies, Evolution, and DNA

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 23:11:01 GMT

【millren注：雖然作者在文中強調，這篇文章重點是寫進化論和DNA方面的原因，但是文章內容重點還是在講性的策略（Sexual Strategies)，見文內標注。】

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Why Men are Jerks - Part II - Sexual Strategies, Evolution, and DNA

Why Men are Jerks - Part II - Sexual Strategies, Evolution and DNA

Sexual strategies, Evolution, and DNA

To better understand unhealthy and cruel behavior by men towards women, we must look at the various components or influences that each person expresses as behavior in their lives.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, the reasons for behavior are complex and multifaceted, and include a variety of components including evolution, environment, and choice.

Today, I want to focus on the first of these: Evolution and DNA. I will address the behavior of men using women for their sexual pleasure.

Lets go back in time for a minute and look at the origins of sexual reproduction.

It started back a billion years ago when the little creatures of the earth learned how to join together to create a new creature. In the world of biology we call this meiosis and it was the beginning of our sexuality.

In time, as numerous creatures came into existence various strategies emerged to help bring forth new life while keeping one's genes "alive" or rather to continue on one's genetic lineage.

In our human ancestors, we see an ability evolve to know with whom one could mate. This ability progressed to a state where animals could recognize not only gender but also (in the human), those females who had the ability to reproduce.

Then came the development of sexual strategies. In other words, creatures needed to figure out how best to get their genes passed onto the next generation.

For males, the earliest strategy in animals seems to be one of impregnating as many females as possible. This strategy worked for many animals and is what we see in most of the animal world today. However, in our human ancestors, males who invested time, energy, and care in their offspring had infants who survived better and longer than those who did not have this care. The infants with an involved father would have a better chance of survival than those who did not. Hence, it became biologically and evolutionarily beneficial for males to care for their offspring. In the world of anthropology, this father's care is called, male parental investment (MPI).

From MPI came adult pair bonding which has since evolved to long term mating. Pair bonding and MPI were the factors that led to the early family.

So, in the male DNA, we have both the animalistic, primitive strategy of impregnating as many females as possible, and we have a much more highly evolved strategy of male parental investment and pair bonding with the adult female mate.

Today, research is quite conclusive that humans survive much better when bonded to another human being and we know that children do much better in life when two parents are involved. There is no question that this strategy has evolved because it is in the best interest of the individual human generally, and children, or offspring specifically.
So, to return to the question, why are some men jerks? Or why do some men use women's bodies for their sexual pleasure?

What we learn from evolution and various sexual strategies in the animal world, is that men who use women for their sexual pleasure or engage in promiscuity, reflect the more primitive behavior of wanting to impregnate as many females as possible. This strategy, while primitive, is today clearly not in the best interest of children, women, or even the men themselves. Research is clear that men who are married are happier and live longer than those who are not.

While there are those men whose behavior reflect this animalistic strategy, there are certainly other men who embrace a more evolved ability to pair bond with a women, care for family and invest their energy in their offspring. These are the men that make great husbands and fathers.

In today's world, most of those in developed nations, men and women alike, value family and children and relationships. There is no question about this. But we still see some men who use women... a remnant of an archaic strategy that no longer is in the best interest of humankind or our universe.

This very brief overview is meant only as a light summary. Please feel free to ask questions.

Posted by Jennifer at 12:31 PM

Labels: Character, Evolution, high standards, Jerks, respect, using women, why men are jerks

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Jennifer：Why are Some Men Jerks? Part I

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 23:06:58 GMT

Friday, February 23, 2007

Why are Some Men Jerks? Part I

Why are some men jerks? Well, it gets a little complicated.
I had a specific request to discuss this issues so over the next few days I am going to address this question from several perspectives, hopefully providing some insights into unhealthy and cruel behavior.

Today, we'll start with some general information. I want to change the tone of this site a bit and speak to this issue in a way more serious. In other words, the "girlfriend" part of me is on hold and the "therapist" part of me is coming out!

Most of my career has been working in the field of abuse. I began my career working with survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence, and children witnesses of violence. Over time I expanded this to include working with the abusers and batterers as well. My work has perhaps given me an unusual insight into the behaviors of hundreds of men who engage in hurtful and cruel behavior.

I hope my insights will be helpful as we all work to overcome some of the challenges that face us.
What I truly believe is that when we diverge from healthy behavior, we are in need of healing. Hurtful, unhealthy behavior is a reflection of significant issues going on inside the person... these issues need serious and appropriate attention.

I also believe that until the harmful and hurtful behavior is addressed, we, as a society, need to protect children and each other.

With that said, lets return to our question: Why are some men "jerks"?

The reasons people behave in inappropriate, hurtful, inconsiderate, disrespectful, unhealthy ways, are complicated. There is no "one" reason, and each person is unique.

Generally speaking there are three components to our behavior:
1. Our genetics, biology, neurology, and evolutionary history
2. Our environment, culture, and societal influences
3. Our individual issues, beliefs, ideals, experiences

Different scientists and experts may disagree on how important one or another component may be, or how, and to what degree each may influence behavior but generally speaking we can reduce behavior down to these three components.

To understand why some men engage in hurtful, unhealthy, or crude behavior we need to look at all three influences. Over the next several days I hope to provide some insight into the reasons (not excuses), for unhealthy behavior.

Posted by Jennifer at 4:57 AM

Labels: abuse, Character, how to tell if a guy is a jerk, why men are jerks

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Jennifer：How to Tell if a Man is Using You

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 22:48:38 GMT

Friday, March 30, 2007

How to Tell if a Man is Using You

One of the most common questions I get asked is... How can a woman tell if a man is just using her?

My first response is, if you are asking, you are probably feeling used. And if you are feeling used you are probably being used.

There is a significant difference for most men between wanting a woman for a plaything for a night or two, and wanting a real, healthy, mature relationship.

The two should not be confused.
How can you tell the difference?

Why not ask yourself a few questions....

Does the guy appear interested in your life? Your family? Your interests? Or is he only interested in "alone time"?
Does the guy show care and respect for you? Or are you a convenience?

Do your conversations center around life, ideas, interesting thoughts? Or is it all about when you are available for sex?

Do you have a great time together when there is no physical activity going on? Or is sex the only thing that brings you together?

Do you feel cared for and cherished for being who you are? Or do you feel you are only valued for what you do for the guy?

Is the guy interested in your goals, your dreams, your hopes? Or is the relationship pretty much centered on his needs?

Do you feel in your heart that you are valued as a human being? Or do you feel your value comes from the guys expectations?

Do a little exploring. Be honest with yourself. Don't deny or repress your feelings. Be open to what your heart is telling you.

Posted by Jennifer at 9:16 AM

Labels: Character, Finding a Good Guy, healthy relationships, instincts, respect, using women

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Jennifer: Why Some Women Pick Jerks

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 22:41:28 GMT

【millren注：雖然作者強調她是用進化論以及生理本質論（DNA）的觀點進行分析，而這兩種理論并非性別研究領域內的主流學術論斷，但是從內容看，該文較接近心理分析的方法，因此相關論述和結論較為可信】

Monday, March 5, 2007

Why Some Women Pick Jerks

I had a specific question that needs its own article.
Why do some women pick not so great guys?
I have shared some of the dynamics of evolutionary sexual strategies used by men that linger in the human today, so let me also share some of the female sexual strategies that are today, not in the best interest of women. In other words... why some women pick not-so-great men.

While behavior is complex and as I have previously stated there are many factors involved as we try to understand humans, this post is reflective of our evolutionary past and the unconscious instincts and sexual strategies in women that may lead to choosing a partner who is not a man we would consider healthy and decent by today's standards.

Again we must go back millions of years as male and female creatures began the quest to discover the best want to bring their genetic material into the world to continue their lineage.

Our ancestral animals had two needs... to survive and to bring offspring into the world who would survive.
To accomplish these two goals, females discovered that if a male could help provide resources for her and her baby, she and her offspring would have a better chance of surviving.

So, simplistically, females came up with two different sexual strategies (and a few combinations).
1. They could offer one male unlimited sexual opportunities thereby keeping him nearby for protection and resources or...
2. They could offer many males opportunities for sexual pleasure and receive few resources from each. Since in this situation, males would be unsure of their parentage, they would be much less likely to offer resources to the child but if many men provided even a few resources a child may have a slightly better chance to survive, than the infant would if no male were involved at all.

Today, as we look back, we see clear evidence that the first strategy is biologically more beneficial and productive. The very fact that males and females pair bond is evidence of the evolutionary advancement for men to stay with one woman, and for women to want to be with one man.

However, we certainly have tendencies within our DNA for both strategies. Depending on many factors, women may resort to the second and less effective strategy.

What this looks like today is...

Women who are more inclined to be with a man who is unfaithful, dishonest, uncaring, or who lacks integrity and decency are those who may be adopting the less healthy sexual strategy.

Why? Because these men are less likely to attach to one woman. These are the men who have chosen a secondary sexual strategy, that of spreading their genetic material with as many females as possible RATHER than the more evolutionarily productive strategy of attaching to one woman.

So, now the question is, why would a woman choose a less advanced or biologically beneficial strategy?
This gets a little tricky....

As we look at evolutionary history, a female who does not think she will be able to have a male in her life full time, will adopt the less ideal option which would be to engage a male (or several males) that will be there part time or on occasion. It is a strategy in which one engages by default.

Having described this dynamic, as humans we can consciously choose to make new and more productive and healthy choices. We do not need to follow our primitive instincts if we bring a new awareness into our heart and minds.
Women and men today, with the knowledge and understanding we have, can decide what sort of relationship we want and can make choices that will bring our goals and desires into reality.

Posted by Jennifer at 9:14 AM

Labels: Character, commitment, Evolution, Finding a Good Guy, instincts, integity

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Jennifer：Ten Tips to Know You are Being Used

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 22:30:20 GMT

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Ten Tips to Know You are Being Used

Ten Surefire Tips to Help you Realize you are Being Used!
1. The guy can't remember your name and keeps calling you by the name of his former girlfriend.

2. The guy can't look you in the eyes cause he is busy looking at other parts of your body.

3. The guy is only affectionate when he wants sex.

4. The guy wants to be with you exclusively on his terms, when and where he wants you.

5. The guy doesn't want to meet your family or get involved with your life.

6. The guy doesn't call you except when he is drunk or lonely.

7. After a sexual encounter, you never hear from him again.

8. The guy brags about his sexual escapades and conquests.

9. The guy is not interested in anything more than a one night stand.

10. The guy is checking out other women while he is with you.

You are a human being. You do not deserve to be used. You are worth more than this.

There are plenty of great men out there who treat women decently, respect women, and care about women.
Know your worth... be strong!

Posted by Jennifer at 6:56 AM

Labels: abuse, commitment, high standards, how to tell if a guy is a jerk, integity, Jerks, self esteem, using women

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